Box 57 & Beyond
They outlawed Santa. He was no longer out of fashion, or not as popular as he once was, he was illegal. It was illegal to wrap a present and write on the label “From: Santa.” It was illegal to say that you believed in Santa or to tell others to believe. Bills were introduced, debates ensued, and wars of all kinds were evoked. Wars on Christmas, Santa, Fun, Personal Freedom, Parenthood, Free Thought, Whimsy, Faith, Childhood. You name it. War! Santa was an outlaw, a persona non grata, a myth, a dangerous symbol, a distraction, a symbol of all kinds of things. He was used on all kinds of sides to mean all kinds of things, and some had had enough. So Santa was illegal, prohibited, no longer relevant or allowed. This made Santa extremely sad.
Other laws were proposed to outlaw believing in Bigfoot or a flat earth, or that sleeping with jars of pickle juice under your bed would reduce menstrual cramps, but somehow the Santa prohibition was the only one that hit the books officially. Santa, instead of fighting back and making a big fuss, thought this was as good of time as any to go on a cruise. He had heard mixed reports about the whole experience, but still wanted to check it out. He invited a handful of friends, and they headed for the seas. And this is how Santa, Zeus, Mithras, and The Muses found themselves aboard a cruise ship.
At first it was great. They all enjoyed the buffets, the shows, the company, the time alone in their cabins to nap. But soon enough shenanigans ensued, and the end of the story is that the boat sank, and they survived, and nobody else did. This is a longer story, and if you ask Santa or Zeus or Mithras or any of the Nine Muses they would all tell you a slightly different story, but the short of it was that the boat sank, they survived, and they didn’t really want to talk about it. So we’ll leave that at that, but if you get the chance to sit with any of those twelve, ask. Those are some interesting stories.
They learned, among other things, that they liked being at sea together (Santa, Zeus, Mithras, and The Muses) and had a lot in common, and a lot to talk about. So they bought a steam ship, named it the “S.S. Credibility Gap” and began to sail the seas. And this was great until it wasn’t. It was a lot of personality to be aboard one boat, but they traversed the globe and visited various ports of call.
You have heard stories, the subtext of many newspaper headlines, the seed of truth behind many urban legends, that were, believe me, the result of Santa or Zeus or Mithras or any of the Nine Muses getting off their boat and being the catalyst for some adventure or event. Would you believe these stories if I told you? Do you have a suspicion that you know some already? Is belief the point of a story?
All of this leads to the end of this particular story. One day the “S.S. Credibility Gap” tied up to the breakwater of an island in Washington State. They got off the boat, explored the island, and ran across a story that enthralled them all, all in their own specific ways. “What a GIFT,” exclaimed Santa, “just knowing this happened or almost did. I want to share it with everyone.” The muses said they would help, saying it was kind of their thing. Zeus and Mithras went back to the boat to check the charts and maps, to see where they should head next. (They weren’t quite as enthralled with the story.)
What gift to the world did they uncover? The Pig War of 1859, of course. The time a pig was killed and Britain and the United States squared off and almost went to war. The time two military camps from different countries were set up on the same island. The war that wasn’t really, a stubborn kerfuffle in the same year Oregon became a state, Darwin published his Origin of Species, and John Brown was executed. Two years, 1859 was, before the start of a Civil War that wasn’t over a simple dead pig.
The gift was a war that wasn’t before a true and bloody Civil War. Santa could relate to the kerfuffle over nothing. And Santa wanted to share the gift, but wasn’t in the gift giving business anymore. So what did Santa do? He took some notes, and talked to the muses about what could be made, and he hopped back aboard the S.S. Credibility Gap. And Santa, Zeus, Mithras, and The Muses sail the seas today looking for stories, and wondering what their role in the world should be.
Merry Christmas.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it!
